Monday, December 7, 2015

Confessions from a former list maker


Finding freedom from achievement-based love 

I used to pride myself on the lists I could make and accomplish. Did you see that “pride myself” part? Yea… how many times have we all said that phrase? I’ll give you little insight into my prideful list making, consider if this hits a nerve with you.

In the morning, I’d get my handy little note pad, with lines of course, and make my list of duties for the day. These were things I wanted to accomplish and would feel good if everything was crossed off, especially if I could do it by 3pm because then I could enter into the super-mom realm.  I would list them, sometimes alphabetically, in order of importance and by category… control-freak anyone?

Here’s the kicker though, when I crossed things off the list, my “worthy meter” would go up a little. My worthy meter determined my worthiness of love, acceptance and ability to contribute to life. Achievement based, conditional love. So the major issue and fear I faced at the end of the day was if there were things I could not accomplish, I felt like the day was a failure….actually that I was a failure. If my list was completed I’d wave it around like an Olympic gold medal, shaking my little imaginary empty cup for others to fill it. If I didn’t finish the whole list, no one saw the list, even the things I’d done. I’d sulk and be surly to my family, which was an expression of how I felt worthless inside.
My worthy-meter determined my worthiness of love, acceptance, and ability to           contribute to life.

I am so excited to report that Christ didn’t let me sink in that pit of feeling unworthy!! He came to my rescue and I learned about my true worth in Christ. I have known for years in my head, it just hadn’t translated to my perfectionist, overachieving heart.

God’s Word says the following about me, oh and by the way…I can do nothing to earn it! I am the apple of His eye, I am a Saint, I am redeemed and forgiven (Hallelujah!), I am free from condemnation, I am established, anointed and sealed by God, and most of all I am complete in Christ!

 Before you head into a place where you feel sorry for my feelings of worthlessness or identify and maybe think it’s not that bad…it was sin, plain and simple.
My pride of thinking I was something and could earn God’s love, my clear unbelief of who God says I am through Christ, the fact that I called myself worthless when Christ called me worthy of dying for, not believing that I am complete in Him and cannot earn a better standing, and another big one- idolizing the list! Placing the list above God.
    
   God is God and the list is not!

What broke me free from worthlessness, list making, and achievement-based love was confession and then choosing to believe God. Once I chose to believe what God says in His Word, He then did the work of sanctifying me through and through.

I have made a reference of scriptures identifying who I am as a new creation in Christ. I try to read them every day to ingrain into my heart so I have a new go-to thought for when Satan tries to tempt me to think the old thoughts. When it creeps up on me I have a little statement I say- God is God and the list is not!

I still love an organized spreadsheet or an organized list, that’s how God created me. However, it no longer has power over me. Christ broke the power of sin and shame and gave me the Holy Spirit to empower me to resist the devil!

Romans 6:14~  For sin will not rule over you, because you are not under law but under grace.


Are you idolizing something over God? Are you struggling to believe what God says about you? Seek God’s face, search Him out in His Word, it was written for you. It has every answer you need for your life today!